A Crabby Confession

Here's what I wrote a few minutes ago in my journal.

I was crabby while I was making tortillas tonight. It wasn't going well, I was too rushed and annoyed. I actually said, 'F YOU!' to one of them, wadded it up in the wax paper, and threw it away.

"You're in a mean mood."

Yes, I'm quite aware that he has a 'firm grasp of the obvious,' but you know... sometimes you just don't want to hear the obvious.

I am sorry -- but it is for something I haven't yet mastered control over. I'm sorry that annoying circumstances have the power to linger and even butt in - hours later - as I palpate tortilla matter.

But then, there are these little graces, too.
You don't even have to name them - just sense them, sometimes, and be OK even when the crabbiness hasn't fully been flushed from your system.

I did eventually apologize for my 'mean mood.' (It was, after all, an accurate assessment.)

And at present, I'll just delight and laugh at my earlier verbal and physical assault of the tortilla... and be grateful as I unwind in my warm bed with a mug of tea and a good book.

FALL BLOG

Here are some of our photos ... from Fall and visitors and walks about town.... enjoy!

Hi, My name is Kendra and I'm a Blog-a-holic. It's been 10 days since my last post.

Here's a picture from when my parents were here. We went to a coffee shop on the plaza. The photographer - either mom or dad, one of 'em - was a little close so we look kind of ghost-like. (So I thought I'd leave the picture small.)

It's been a busy month, October! We've had lots of visitors. On the same day that our friends Jamie and Sharon were en route from Fort Collins, my grandma and her new beau swung through town to take me to lunch and deliver a vacuum and a toaster oven to me. It was fun to see them in the midst of their honeymoon roadtrip. They spent THREE DAYS of their honeymoon visiting my uncle in prison. That was Jim's idea. I think that makes him a winner in my book. Plus, they're so twitter-pated lovey-dovey with one another. Makes me wanna barf. (with joy of course.)

Then Sharon and Jamie were here. It was so fun to show them around town - and to have friends to hang out with and break our routine! We enjoyed doing pizza taste tests and ordering the fishbowl of beer with them at Louise's. Ok, it's called a "schooner."

Then, mama came. We got to see some of Kansas City that I hadn't seen before. I drive right past all the cool stuff on my way to work. It was fun to have lunch on the plaza and shop around. Lawrence doesn't really have much for fancy-shmantz shopping... which is probably good, since I'm only partially employed. :)

John's cousin Ryan drove through town and we spent a couple hours with him - showed him campus and caught up over breakfast at Milton's. That was fun.

Then dad came to town to meet up with the rest of us. We celebrated John's birthday and spent Friday night with my uncles and aunts and nephew.

So...we've been busy and social! After last night, "Creepy Coffeehouse" at the church for the youth, I felt sufficiently POOPED. I came home, showered, pajama'd, and John and I watched Law and Order while I melted into the couch.

Today I didn't even leave the house until 2pm. It was delightful. I talked to myself. I reconciled the money. I baked. I cooked. I returned library books and took the recycling to the recyle center. I did laundry.

And now...I guess I'm just pleased. With life. With the job. With a happy huz and fam. Thanks for reading.

Marv

I got word from Fort Collins today about a church member who died. I gasped when I received the email - a mixed response of grief and relief. Then, I picked up the phone to call my friend, the messenger.

There is much that I could say about Marv, but I 'd rather keep it simple. So, I thought I'd post a poem. This poem had been a favorite of mine from the English Major days, but now I share it. I used it for a writing exercise in the journaling class I taught at Shepherd of the Hills two years ago. Marv liked it and had me photocopy for him.

Angina Pectoris by Nazim Hikmet

If half my heart is here, doctor,
the other half is in China
with the army flowing
toward the Yellow River.
And every morning, doctor,
every morning at sunrise my heart
is shot in Greece.
And every night, doctor,
when the prisoners are asleep and the infirmary is deserted,
my heart stops at a run-down old house in Istanbul.
And then after ten years
all I have to offer my poor people
is this apple in my hand, doctor,
one red apple: my heart
And that, doctor, that is the reason
for this angina pectoris---
not nicotine, prison, or arteriosclerosis.
I look at the night through the bars,
and despite the weight on my chest
my heart still beats with the most distant stars.

October Dress Project

I got a bit of a late start, but for the month of October I will wear one dress. It wasn't an original idea, but a nudge from a friend and the prompting to read this article from Curator Magazine on the project.

I knew almost instantly which dress it would be (not that I own many dresses). The one I picked is a green linen/rayon blend sleeveless dress that I picked up at Eco-Thrift for $8 almost two years ago.

The other night I spent a couple hours trying on combinations with this dress. To my surprise -- there are many possibilities! I hope that I can learn something from the wardrobe I already have and the creative abilities I already possess. I hope I can remember these things next time I'm out shopping.

I don't intend to change the world, just my mind a bit. This past Sunday we read the scripture from Mark about the rich man who was unable to leave his many possessions behind to follow Christ. I don't presume that my month-long dress project is anywhere near that kind of discipline. But the similarity is that it gives me an opportunity to re-assess my relationship to my "stuff."

Thanks for reading. Enjoy the pics.

Meditating on the PLENTY

Yesterday I was very tempted to drive to the food co-op, buy more coffee and maybe some "fizzy water" and get some cash back. I resisted the desire and made coffee at home. (I'm not very good at restraint.) I decided any dark coffee would work in my espresso machine - I just needed to grind it fine enough. I found some Decaf Colombian and ground it finer. Then I took some of the untouched Texas Pecan beans from mom and ground them up.

When I took a sip, I was en route to the fridge to get something else. I stopped at the fridge door and noticed it was good. I liked this new 'espresso blend.'

I liked it so much that as I set out for my walk to the river I made another. I scrubbed up a paper cup I had saved from Dunn Brother's and poured it in.

As I began my walk I realized that the coffee tasted like dishsoap. I kept drinking, then eventually pitched the soggy mess.

Though I'm not very good with restraint, I'm fascinated by it.

I've been reading a story about a Carmelite nun. I took my copy of Simone Weil's Waiting for God to the river with me. I was impressed with Weil when I learned that she was an academic struck with a mystical spiritual experience and then became dedicated to spiritual practice as well as radical acts of solidarity with the poor and unemployed.

I enjoyed following the blog last Fall about the couple in California who spent a month living on a dollar a day for food. (Another step towards solidarity with the poor)

I have in mind that come this Lenten season, I'd like to practice some form of restraint. It hasn't come into view, yet.

Last Lent had a saddening, surprising start. My sister attempted suicide and was damn near successful. That was Ash Wednesday. She spent most of Lent hospitalized. The observance we all made was of a different kind of season, one that involved tending a broken heart. You might say the "Easter" for our family, came a bit late, but is in full bloom as Anna seems hardly recognizable in contrast to her Ash Wednesday self. A college-student eager to learn and a disciple ready to serve - she is finding her way, her own walk of faith these days.

This turned into a different kind of post, it seems.

Anyway, on with restraint. For reasons, some explainable, some stubborn, I find myself wealthy with the currency of time over and above my access to cash. I hope that I have paid attention to friends and loved ones that in my prior busyness have overlooked. I find myself curious about "repurposing" and making do. I've been baking things that are inexpensive enough store-bought, but ridiculously simple to make. I obviously drive (thirty-some miles) to work two days a week, but on the others, I try to leave the car parked here as much as possible.

There is plenty, I feel, in this household. Plenty of love, more than enough books, and just enough food and drink for the two of us. We have enough and for that I am grateful.

Thanks for reading.

Quick Post, Then Back to Reading...

So, I've begun Leviticus. (11 chapters in, actually.) It's intense. As one fellow traveler on the journey through the 'Bible-in-a-Year' said aptly this morning, "This Old Testament stuff is hardcore, man."

So I just had one thought to share today. I was thinking the many sacrifices and offerings described in the first few chapters of Leviticus. Grain for this, livestock for that. Here's what it atones for, there's the procedure to follow. It can be tedious and complicated, no doubt. But I'm guessing there was some relief from the physical act of making the offering. There is a loss on behalf of the sinner - an animal, or the choisest of grain and oil. Making that sacrifice perhaps helped the sinner let go of his or her sin and make amends for wrongdoing.

But then I thought, what is that we call Jesus today?

Lamb of God

Bread of Life

It is in these phrases that I can see Jesus, in his own context, writing his own manual on sacrificial offerings for the religious in his time.

It's a much shorter manual.

It says things like, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."

(It is interesting that this scripture follows the miraculous feast that started out with five loaves of bread and two fish and ended up feeding 5,000 men plus their wives and children and there were leftovers.)

The manual might also include John the Baptist's proclamation:

"Behold! The lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world."

No more meticulous animal slaughter, no more waiting for the decree from the high priest that one's sins were forgiven after the appropriate sacrifice was made. 'Behold' God, incarnate. Believe in him, talk to him, feast with him. That's what you do instead.

It was radical. And Jesus' radical proclamations of his own salvivic work were not popular. They ended in his own sacrificial death - a manifestation that at once awakens us to understand him, while at the same time happened as a result of misunderstanding him.

It's not really news, but today -- I find it brilliant. Jesus rewrote himself into the Levitical code and said: I am that animal, I am that grain. Lay your burdens down on my back and I will take them for you.

If nothing else, I'll take that to heart in my reading of Leviticus.